Don’t worry about Franklin, he doesn’t need a key, he prefers to...– Me, right before I went to hell.
If you’re two dimensional, you don’t count.– Me, to Kenji, on the universe.
the power of cheap, complete with aids
Me: My dad just called me from the hospital to log into his groupon account and purchase todays deal for him.
Boyfriend: Lol, nice. Why was he at the hospital?
Me: Eh his girlfriend has AIDS or something. I don't know. I hear him say Debbie and I stop listening.
Really? 3 unique average visitors at my place of...
People complain about the stupidest shit. Oh, you drove all the way to our store from KATY? Poor thing. I BIkED from Katy. Stfu. Oh, you can’t bear to keep coming back here all the time because you have to pay your assistant to do other things for you while you’re here? It must be so hard to have that much money. Your definition of service is unreasonable and wrong.
I will probably pass out when my battery gets low enough to warrant charging. I...– Me, on solving world hunger.
To my best friends
I’d like to issue a big thank you to some of my best friends for not indulging my bullshit low self esteem trips. I really do appreciate when I start texting you all condescending about myself and insecure and tripping over nothing, that you stop responding. I mean it. I’m not even being sarcastic. I need that kind of conditioning to let me know when to chill the fuck out. For real....
Yesterday a coworker told me he could tell I was raised in a neighborhood that bordered bad neighborhoods because I was down to earth and “don’t give a shit” [about what other people do or say]. This made my day. I think it’s awesome that not growing up privileged has given me positive character attributes and that people recognize that coming from bad childhoods and...
I’m not used to this// The feel•ings of warmth and fuzz// Do I de•serve this??
It’s been a lil while// Since I last wrote an hai•ku// So sor•ry for that.
Confidence basically sheds all the x number of pounds you think you need to...– Me, on self esteem.
You gotta be careful where you play your j’s.– Me on words with friends, but the advice sounds solid for other aspects of life too.
Karen: so are you with a guy right now?
Nicole: kinda but not really. It's really complicated, he's like been my best friend for ever.
Karen: so are you guys like [hand motions]---in love?
Nicole: we're not even fucking!
And then he like impaled me in the ass!– Random Girl at agora. My response: and you’re complaining?!
Don’t look? I’m married, not DEAD!– Mike McC
On discussing dorm life
Seth: my sister used to black out her widows with black cardboard to keep her room cool enough for photo stuff.
Me: living in the dorm is depressing enough, blacking out the sun wouldn't have helped much of anything.
Seth: that's why you turn on a backlight at the same time and then it goes from depressing to party.
Me: yeah until I look around and see how much of the room is covered in semen.
Seth: so you'd rather sit and sleep in it and not know where it is specifically located?
Me: yes. Ignorance is bliss.
Seth: ignorance is not an excuse.
Me: no it's just my preference.
Prioritize: you can sit in your new apartment naked but entertained, or you can...– Me, on the validity of packing your electronics and media for a move before clothing.
Isn’t that how you guys do things around here?– Customer.
Well I had plans tonight but I got sad and went all Emily Dickinson on the...– Me to friend
Awesome pinhole camera templates →
Perhaps if I sleep on my side I can grind off the heart on my sleeve.
My Skates cost too much// I’ll bare•ly make my rent now// But I will kick ass
It needs to shut up- Haiku
His name is Dar•ryl// He piss•es ev•ery•one off// De•nise•’s re•venge.
I like that you try really hard not to be cool but you are anyways.– B
That was odd
So I’m already finding new love two months after the breakup and Andre is still sending me the occasional I’m so miserable without you and I can’t move on emails.
why do you call the store and ask questions about our product when you could just GO ONLINE AND LEARN THIS SHIT?
That's worth fifty blowjobs at least
Me: soooo, the total comes up to $398.97
Man to girlfriend: damn. 400 bucks for a phone for you. Better be worth it to you.
Girlfriend to man: to me? Howbout you? That's gotta be worth fifty blowjobs at least.
Man to girlfriend: at least. I think the going rate has gone up.
What’s that drip drip drip?// Glad I don’t pay for wat•er// Toi•let ran all day.
Me: I'm so lucky. You are so cute and all my friends think you are cute. Karen said "enviably cute", Carly said you were cute, and, well you know how much Nicole likes you.
B: Yeah, I guess if this doesn't work out I can always hit her up.
Me: Well, if she really goes into the adult industry, you might have a bit of a large shoe to fill, so to speak.
B: Yeah but at least I know she'll do anal.
And then I was like, OMG, NO YOU DIDN'T. ROFLMAO.
See•ing you with her// Makes my sto•mach feel so wrong// please don’t dis•cuss me
Love doesn't last too long
“Love Doesn’t Last Too Long” I watch the sun go down, I watch the sun go down Then I wander around, then I wander around It’s here then it’s gone Love doesn’t last too long I didn’t even have time to get it straight in my mind To catch up from behind, to see that I was blind And I wish I was wrong But love doesn’t last too long All you lovers...
I wanted to hurt. Now I do. You win.